This afternoon, my daughter, Rachel, and I were decluttering up in the school room, which is also her bedroom. (Mary and I homeschool in the living room nowadays.) Rachel got rid of a bunch of squishies. I let go of some jigsaw puzzles and a stack of homeschooling papers about 2 inches thick. And once again, I made a little pile of school books to either sell, donate or throw away, a pile for my library, and a pile of “I don’t know yets.”

I did all of this very quickly. Having my daughter in the room with me seemed to help me make decisions, instead of putting them off. I think I accepted the reality that I will no longer be planning another school year. I was able to express this to my daughter and to say out loud that it is sad that I don’t have those little kids anymore. But I still have those kids. They’re just older now. I told her how I loved reading picture books and doing Five in a Row activities. I told her that I started homeschooling in 2004, so I will have done it for exactly 20 years. And how it’s hard letting go of those booklists that I’ve kept for so long, but I also want to move on…

Then I took a shower and felt the sadness. I miss little Matthew, my oldest son, who’s moved out. We spent so much time together. I watched him grow into a young man. And he’s a good one. Yesterday, I think he was plowing parking lots during the snowstorm. I remember him in his puffy little snowsuit, pretending to snow-blow our driveway. I would wonder if I should tell him to come inside when it was freezing out and he was having so much fun.

I know I can let go of more material possessions. And it’s good to feel my feelings and let them go too. Even after I decide, it takes a bit of work to get everything out of the house. It’ll be worth it though. I think I’m getting prepared for the next phase of my life. I don’t know what that will look like, but I don’t need to know. I believe that I will be led. I am on a journey. I plan to travel light.