Pondering

That Twirling Feeling

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment
The first purchase I can remember.

I’m taking photos and letting it go. I can’t say that about most of the possessions I’ve looked at during my April Declutter Challenge. Letting go is not easy.

These are the areas or categories I have gone through so far: DVD’s, the TV stand and end tables, sheet music (Sarah did it), the hutch, my nightstand, my clothing, my dresser, my closet, my books, the master bathroom closet and vanity, the foyer closet, my kitchen desk cabinets, the kitchen cabinets and drawers, the fridge and freezer, the utility closet, the pantry, the extra closet, the mudroom, the 1/2 bath cabinets and drawers, the upstairs bathroom closet and vanity, art supplies, fiction books, picture books, scrapbooking supplies, photos, planners, office supplies, homeschool curricula… Phew!

I know it’s boring, I just wanted to see what I have accomplished. I’ve been stuck in the school room/Rachel’s bedroom for at least two weeks. Sometimes it’s been emotional. I am planning to homeschool for one more year. My youngest child (who will be a teenager in a week!) will be an eighth grader next year and will likely go to high school, as her siblings did. I’m letting go of curricula that I know we won’t be using next year, or ever.

I’ve felt sadness about not using some of the things I had planned to use. There are so many unfulfilled ideas/desires. There’s also a sadness from the good memories I have of being in that room with my beautiful, little children. It’s the same feeling I get during the movie You’ve Got Mail. If you haven’t seen it, then this is a spoiler alert. If you have seen it, then you might understand. Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) is closing the bookstore that her late mother used to own before she owned it. After going through the process of selling everything but the shelving, she comes to her last night alone in the store. She looks back at the almost empty room and sees a memory of her mother twirling her around when she was a little girl. Add in the dramatic music and I get a lump in my throat every time. It’s that happy and sad at the same time kind of feeling. It’s the grieving of lost moments that will never return, mixed with gratitude that you were blessed to experience them.

I remember the excitement I’d feel at the beginning of a homeschool year. I was so hopeful. I loved planning, setting up the space, getting organized… I so enjoyed reading aloud while they were drawing…. Of course, they didn’t enjoy doing a lot of the work. It was far from perfect. But we had some good times. And just like that… it’s over.

I want to let the past go, appreciate the fine people that they are today, and enjoy my present lifestyle. In many ways, it’s better than the “old days.” But I am keeping many of the books that we own. I don’t know if this is prudent or if I might be trying to hang onto the past. I have this idea in my head that someday I’ll have a cute little library in whatever home I live in. Sure, we are not using these books now, but we might use them someday. Am I making excuses? Am I too attached to material possessions? Actually, I was gonna get rid of more of the picture books, but the kids wouldn’t let me. We kept a lot that I wouldn’t miss.

After books, I moved on to scrapbooks and there are a lot to finish. And photos… there are a lot to scan. All of that will have to wait until I finish decluttering the whole house, and other projects that are higher priority. My daughter, Rachel, is graduating from high school at the end of this month. I have made graduation slideshows for each of the three older children and it is expected that I will make one for Rachel. This will be a very large project. I took the first step yesterday by bringing my laptop to a repair shop.

When I was feeling scared and overwhelmed, this passage kept me going. It was on a calendar in the closet. Just what I needed to see at that April moment.

“I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me, you can do nothing.”

John 15:5

So true.

Whether I’m letting go or not letting go, I am not alone.

Thoughts on Learning

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

I recently felt like I was “playing school” and my “student” was bored out of her mind. This is strange because this is my 19th year of homeschooling, and though I’ve had many bad days; overall, I’ve considered the experience a good one.

So far this year, my excitement for the subject matter is not cutting it. It’s like I’m watching my dream of instilling a love of learning – die – in real time. I’m thinking thoughts like… maybe I’m trying to fill a bucket, instead of lighting a fire. And I’m trying to remember what it was like to be twelve.

I don’t know what the solution is yet, but I’m ok with that. I trust that God will lead us to the next right thing. My daughter and I have been openly discussing ideas. Tonight, I got on my laptop to write a blog post. The word “deschool” popped into my mind. I think I must have heard about it when I was researching home education twenty years ago. A quick search found this:

  • Deschooling
    • frees time restrictions.
    • shows that learning happens outside the classroom.
    • allows for students and parents to shift from the classroom mindset and discover the untapped potential in homeschool learning.

I also found this likeable quote that seems to fit my situation:

“Stop thinking schoolishly. Stop acting teacherishly. Stop talking about learning as though it’s separate from life.”

Sandra Dodd, Unschooling Advocate

I tend to think that I’m a lover of learning. But if I’m honest, I really only love learning the things that I am interested in. Maybe I’ll have more to say about this in the future. For now, I will get on my knees and ask for help, and then climb into my cozy little bed for the night.

Books Revisited

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

I haven’t finished reading any books this summer. I may have started reading some. I’m good at reading something when I get in the mood, and then forgetting about it. Didn’t I say, in January, that 2023 is the year I will finally read The Lord of the Rings? Well, I started it…

This has to change. I’m putting it out here. The books in the photo are what I am currently reading. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel obligated to finish them before I start any others. I just need to stay focused.

As you may or may not know, Leisure: The Basis of Culture is my current book study. I’ve written two posts about it here, and I’ve read the third section so many times; but don’t feel ready to write about it yet. I revisited The Noonday Devil because I was led to while reading that amazing third section.

I decided to use The Fellowship of the Ring as a read aloud during school with Mary. I went back to the beginning, this time listening to the audiobook.

The Spiritual Exercises is not really meant to be read. I don’t care. I’m reading it anyway. I’m going to read it cover to cover, very slowly. And sometimes I’ll do meditations. And sometimes I listen to talks by Fr. John Hardon, S.J. While I was painting the foyer, I listened to the talks given to some women religious during an Ignatian retreat in 1975. Extremely interesting.

Finally, I am returning to Norway, through Kristin Lavransdatter. I listened to over a third of the audiobook, (mostly while painting the mudroom) in October of 2020. What happened after that? I do not know, but I started it again, Sunday, on my hammock. I didn’t get far, because guests arrived. It was a busy weekend. But, oh boy, I’m excited to be revisiting these lovely books again.

Reality Check

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

From my October 2021 Retreat Notes:

I was thinking of how much peace there is in reality; and I should try as much as I can to stay in it and the truth.

This means more time recognizing the invisible spiritual realities. They are always present, even if I am too busy or distracted to notice them.

This means less time looking at screens. This means spending less time in thinking of the future, which is unknown anyway. What are those thoughts, but projections, imaginations… worries? They are not usually with positive outcomes, and most often not to be at all.

How interesting… (to me anyway). I wrote these words over a year ago and they were saved as a draft. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to write about tonight, and this incomplete post jumped out at me. So, forgive me if I have a chat with myself.

Yes, my friend, I find this to be true again and again. Take this week, for example. I wrapped up the foyer painting on Monday. It’s nice and clean, and put back together, but I don’t know what I’ll do about the decor. I’m only certain about the piano right now. I haven’t hung anything on the walls, I’m not sure how I feel about the bench, and the sheet music book storage; but I let that go and focused Tuesday on getting ready for the first day of school.

This included food shopping, school supply shopping, bringing out the homeschooling books, making a plan for the 3 day week, and putting things away around the house. Then, all of a sudden the day felt super busy. I started cleaning out the old food in the fridge. Rachel needed paint for her senior parking space at the high school and there was a trip to the Home Depot. I dropped Hannah off at the park for cross country practice and I tried to pick her up on my way to the orthodontist with Mary, but when we got there, she was in the woods and we couldn’t find her. So we went to the orthodontist appointment and were receiving texts that she needed a ride home. So back to the park and then home to continue my “to do” list.

I was feeling a little stressed. You know how I get when I am rushing. And what for? Why did I think I had to do all those things to be prepared for the first day of school?

The reality is that this morning I got up at 6 AM to wake Mary for the first day of school. Hannah had already woken her up and I found her upstairs vomiting. I headed downstairs to set up the bucket, sheets and blankets, and draw her a bath; and found that Sarah was also vomiting. So… change of plans. Instead of the first day of school, I spent a quiet day at home, taking care of my daughters.

It’s another reminder that I don’t know what the future holds. It’s a waste of time to worry about it. I just want to be grateful and to stay in the present moment.

Another reality is that last night before I went to bed, I journaled about all my worries. I asked God to please take care of me, and all my needs. I gave Him all of my concerns. I asked Him to please direct my thinking. I believe He did just that. This morning, I cheerfully accepted the change of plans. (This is not me.) And today, instead of trying to get more done, I rested.

Thinking About Balance and Acceptance

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

Wouldn’t it be great if I could maintain a perfect balance of all the important aspects of my life?

I imagine a pie chart with colored pieces like: physical, spiritual, emotional, etc. Or, even more detailed, like: sleep, eating well, exercise, prayer, time with family, time with friends, chores, projects, recreation, etc. I have no idea what the ideal pie chart should look like. What pieces should it include? What percentage of the whole should each piece be given? And even if an ideal pie chart could be created, how would I ever measure or achieve such a lofty goal?

I’ve been tracking my food intake on MyFitnessPal for couple of weeks now. I entered some goals for macros, and as you can see in the photo above, the app can create a nice pie chart showing my results each day. So far, I have not once reached these simple goals; but I am happy with my imperfect results. My overall goal is to build muscle and lose fat, not to create perfect pie charts.

So, what is my overall goal in life? It’s not to maintain a perfect balance of all the important aspects of my life. It’s this sort of thinking that can make me crazy. Or at least, unsatisfied with my performance. It would never be good enough. How could it be? With my finite energy, abilities, knowledge, and my lack of control over circumstances…

Today I was recognizing that when I desire perfection, and I think I can attain it with the right plan, I’m relying on myself. I’m likely worried, angry if things don’t go as planned, disappointed in myself and others, and more unfortunate emotions. BUT, when I rely on God’s strength and guidance, I need not worry about such and such. I will work on it each day, with God’s help, and what does not get done, is how it is to be. I have acceptance of what is. I have progress and Love. There is nothing better.

Plans for Lent 2023

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

My YouTube addiction seems to be getting worse. The plus side is that I’ve been listening to many homilies about Lent. It’s now one week until Ash Wednesday and all I know is that I want to make this Lent special. A couple of weeks ago, a friend sent me a video about something called 90 Days to Liberty. I passed it along to another friend. “I’m considering this…” I told her. She immediately said, “I’m in!” When I told her that I’m more indecisive than she is, she said, “You can do it!” So, there’s that.

Then I found an article called Lent: Growing in our love of Jesus Christ. More ideas.

And here’s a video I really liked: The Spirit of Lent is Not Self Help. In it we are told, “Don’t get too attached to your plan.” What great advice. He says sometimes God gives us something else instead.

This has been my experience, especially in the last five years. It was in Lent 2018 that the closing of St. Mary’s High School was announced. It felt like my family was in limbo for months. Whatever my plan was for that year, this unexpected trial increased my prayer life. During Lent 2019, Bobby was offered a job in New York City. It felt like my family was in limbo for years. Would he sell his business? Would we move? Whatever my plan was for that year, this unexpected offer upped my prayers. It was rely on God or live in fear. I went back and forth between the two. And everyone knows what happened during Lent 2020.

So, I do intend to make a plan for 2023. I want to be generous. I want to be disciplined. I want to be ruthless. I want to break the chains and cut the threads of all of my attachments. But most of all, I want to be open and willing to accept God’s plan -whatever that might be- humbly and gratefully.

I Didn’t Know Complexify Is a Word

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

I can’t believe it’s been more than four months since my last post. And yet I shouldn’t be surprised, because long stretches between posts have been a pattern for me. It seems like when I “come here” in the mood to write, I feel obligated to explain where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. So let me just get my excuses for not writing out of the way.

They are as follows: homeschooling, parenting, Italy, remodeling the half-bath, Plum Island, parties, NYC with Mary, decluttering, home maintenance, NYC with my sister, holidays, plays, deep cleaning, decorating, Christmas shopping, wrapping, movies, puzzles, cooking, celebrations, taking down decorations, and trying to maintain relationships and my spiritual condition.

So today is Day 15 of the Catechism in a Year, and I’m on Day 10. I’m also on Day 10 of a 30-Day Organizing Boot Camp, of which I’ve completed 16 of the assignments. If that didn’t make sense, it means I’m a little behind on my studying the Catechism of the Catholic Church and a little ahead on my decluttering and organizing my entire house. I expect to get behind on the latter when I get to the storage areas assignment, which for me is the dreaded basement. Maybe I’m being dramatic. It’s not as bad as I imagine it to be. I made a great deal of progress on it in November. The problem is that I always give up when it gets hard, and I don’t finish the whole house. Well not this year!!!

Let’s talk about books. The start of a new year always gets me assessing where I’m at in many areas, and reading is one of those areas. I find myself, as usual, with a list of books I am “currently reading”. This means I started them, but do I want to finish them? I’ve decided that 2023 is the year I will finally read The Lord of the Rings. I’m starting with The Hobbit. I also plan to finish the last few pages of Letters and Instructions of St. Ignatius Loyola. That’s all I have decided so far. There are so many good options. I will commit to one soon.

I’m not going to attempt to plan out my whole year as I did in the past, by setting goals and breaking them down and getting things done. While organizing crafts and hobby supplies, I found my old planners. The first one was an original Franklin Covey planner and the year was 2000. Yes, I have 22 years of them. Skimming through them I found it interesting that 2020 was noticeably emptier.

Anyway, I’m starting out 2023 by planning for the week ahead. I start by scheduling the activities that I already committed to, like giving rides. Then things important for my spiritual wellbeing, such as adoration. I also track daily habits I’d like to form or strengthen. I thought I’d ease into physical habits to make it easier for me to develop them. The first week I focused on sleep. I went to bed early and got up early. Yay! The second week I added drinking water. I met my daily water intake goals. Yay! But my sleeping plan failed miserably. I got into eating chocolate and staying up late reading or watching YouTube videos on my phone in bed. This week I’m going to try going back to the 5-0. (It’s going to bed and getting up at regular times, calorie counting, drinking water, exercising, and journaling. It’s basically taking care of my body.) I’ll need to take one day at a time and pray for help to do this. And a media fast wouldn’t hurt.

Speaking of media, and media fasting, today I watched a video I found fascinating. A man on a channel called Sips with Aquinas was interviewing Dr. Peter Kreeft. It was so interesting that I took notes. He listed the only three reasons why anybody ought to do anything according to Aquinas: 1. moral duty, 2. practical necessity, and 3. fun. There’s some food for thought. So, if I’m considering doing something, and it doesn’t meet any of these three criteria…

He was making the point that we make our lives more complex rather than simplify them. And why? Why are we so harried and hassled? Why do we complexify? And I like this one: Why do we put ourselves in a spider’s web? He says we are bored. I call it running away. The not wanting to slow down and sit quietly. He says it takes too much effort. It’s because of sloth. I’ve read about this before and would like to ponder it more in the future. And one last idea: If you don’t believe in a real Heaven, you have to try to make a heaven on earth, and that’s going to keep you very, very, busy forever.

In conclusion, once more, I was able to bring a bunch of wandering thoughts back to the theme of this blog: Slowing Down.

Tortoise to Hare, and Back

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

Wait. What just happened? I know today was the first day of school, but I feel so unprepared. It’s like I went from tortoise to hare overnight. I remember we were slowly creeping through Gilmore Girls: Season 1 with my mom, I was doing laps in my dad’s pool, going to daily Mass and frequenting Adoration… Then we went away for a week of not having to do anything; and came back to summer’s-over-get-busy!

I want to reflect on the season gone by in order to let it go and clear my head, making space for direction to come. I pray for clarity and the ability to focus on what’s important now.

This summer was enjoyable, but arguably the shortest one ever. Looking through my photos reminds me of some highlights. Hugh Jackman!! I’m so grateful I got to see him perform as Harold Hill. It was a fun weekend with Bobby, Joseph, Hannah, and Mary. Then there was the impromptu weekend in NYC with my father. I took him to Central Park and he took me to Yankee Stadium. I was surprised that he didn’t mind subways. We tired ourselves out climbing stairs, and walking, and we ordered a feast at an Italian restaurant that we ate for days. It was an unexpected blast!

The girls and I attended some summer concerts at a local park, I started decluttering the dreaded basement, there was a trimming the bushes weekend, and last week in the Poconos. It was relaxing, but it’s good to be back home.

Writing this out has helped me. It was a good summer. I’m realizing that I just did too much in the past few days. Once again, I want to slow down. Fall is a great time to get back to routines. I love order. It may take a little time to get there, so I won’t expect it to happen in one day. Slow and steady.

Trusting God in Sickness

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

I recently read the book, The Practice of the Presence of God (Brother Lawrence/Alan Vermilye). The Eleventh Letter of Brother Lawrence (pgs. 95-96) got me thinking about my own attitudes toward sickness. Long before Covid 19, Bobby called me a germaphobe. Do I really have a fear of germs? Maybe. I usually go straight to the bathroom to wash my hands when I return home from shopping, (You know – touching carts, hangers, check-out touch screens.) or when I’ve been touching other people; but my fear of germs doesn’t stop me from going out, shaking hands and/or hugging in public. Sometimes I focus too much on wondering if I’m getting sick, or when I know I am, trying to figure out what caused it or what I could have done differently to prevent it. I think things like oh no, my throat feels a little weird or I shouldn’t have stayed up so late the other night.

Here’s the part of Brother Lawrence’s letter that made my eyelids stretch and my mouth hang open: “They see sickness as a pain against nature and not as a favor from God. Seeing it only in that light, they find nothing in it but grief and distress. But those who consider sickness as coming from the hand of God, out of His mercy and the means He uses for their salvation, commonly find sweetness and consolation in it.” (pg. 95) He was talking about worldly people, who don’t suffer “like Christians”, and it sounded like he was talking about me!

So why do I mildly freak out when I get sick or when there are sick symptoms in my home? I don’t think I’m afraid of dying, or of physical pain. I rarely take medication, I’ve had six natural childbirths, and suffered physically through many oddball ailments over the years. I think the real problem is that sickness ruins my plans. I might have to lie on the couch or in bed while the house falls apart and I don’t get anything done. Not what I want to do anyway. If members of my family are sick I may have to drop what I’m doing to perform unpleasant nursing or waitressing tasks, or sit in a doctor’s office. How ungrateful and selfish am I?

Brother Lawrence continues: “I pray that you see that God is often nearer to us and present within us in sickness than in health. Do not rely completely on another physician because He reserves your cure to Himself. Put all your trust in God. You will soon find the effects in your recovery, which we often delay by putting greater faith in medicine than in God. Whatever remedies you use, they will succeed only as far as He permits. When pains come from God, only He can ultimately cure them. He often sends sickness to the body to cure diseases of the soul. Comfort yourself with the Sovereign Physician of both soul and body.” (pgs. 95-96)

In thinking more on this paragraph (for some reason I was straightening my hair after I read this letter) I realized that this has been my experience. I’ve noticed a pattern where I get sick after times of busyness, such as I’ve written about here many times. I’m usually burning the candle at both ends, trying to do too much, not taking care of my body, less aware of God’s Presence, and feeling stressed out or worried. Then, BOOM! I have symptoms of sickness and I initially try to reason things out. Then, I realize I’m powerless. And it’s like God is saying to me, if you’re not going to slow down and take care of yourself, then I’m going to help you. It seems that sickness has a humbling effect. It reminds me that I’m not as strong as I thought I was. It can be comforting to remember that God is in control of everything, and that He is the one who heals me.

Sometimes the healing doesn’t seem to come fast enough. Brother Lawrence addresses this at the beginning of his letter. “I do not pray that you may be delivered from your pains; but I pray earnestly that God gives you strength and patience to bear them as long as He pleases. Comfort yourself with Him who holds you fastened to the cross. He will loose you when He thinks fit. Happy are those who suffer with Him. Accustom yourself to suffer in that manner and seek from Him the strength to endure as much, and as long, as He judges necessary for you.”

How I would love to receive a letter from a friend, encouraging me in this way. This is obviously something that I struggle with, especially when I fall back into my long-practiced habit of self-reliance rather than to completely surrender to God’s will. I need to pray for the grace to trust God in all things. As St. Ignatius states in his First Principle and Foundation: “…we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short one, and likewise in all other matters.” It seems this attitude would bring much peace in this time when people are angry and afraid of even the possibility of being exposed to sickness. Brother Lawrence advises, “Be satisfied with the condition in which God places you.” I think St. Paul would agree.

Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

This sounds like a prescription for unruffled peace.

Book Notes: Things That Matter, Chapter 2

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

“Our newer tech- and media-based distractions are actually just add-ons to many of the old diversions that have plagued humanity for countless generations, like having mixed-up priorities or viewing ourselves or other people in unhelpful ways. They’re internal before they’re external.” (pg. 19)

He’s got a point. Sure, there are many new ways to be distracted nowadays, but they don’t seem to be the root of the problem. I can get distracted by my iphone, but why really, am I turning my attention to it? I was thinking of the spiritual battle when I read this chapter and some of the language in it supports this.

“… resisting it is a battle worth fighting.” (pg. 19)

“We wage war every single day to defeat these distractions and align ourselves with greater pursuits.” (pg. 27)

“This can be difficult and requires moments of wrestling within ourselves. But we learn to fight.” (pg. 24)

I (of course) also think of St. Ignatius of Loyola and the Discernment of Spirits. Joshua Becker suggests ways to respond when our distractions have become our “masters rather than our servants”. (pg. 24)

One way is through self-examination and frequently sitting quietly with ourselves. This sounds just like the Examen and being within. He says, “Secondly, we can verbally articulate what distractions are keeping us from our best work, keeping us from those we love the most, or keeping us from fulfilling our highest purpose.” (pg. 24) Then a third response is to remove the distractions diligently and intentionally. Identifying and getting rid of inordinate attachments comes to mind.

Here is a list of distractions to be covered in the following chapters of the book:

  1. fear
  2. past mistakes
  3. happiness
  4. money
  5. possessions
  6. applause
  7. leisure
  8. technology

I’m interested in continuing with Chapters 3 & 4 this week.