A selfie I sent to my daughter, Hannah, on June 13, 2025, to show her I tried on her Role Model Diva sweatshirt. She told me I should get one so we could match. (I felt happy that she wanted to match me.)
June 13, 2025 was the last day of my homeschooling journey. It ended quietly. And then summer began with traveling, and included our traditional summer activities. It went by fast. And then it was the first day of school, but not for me. (It turned out not to be for two of my daughters either. A water main break gave us five more days of summer.) Nevertheless, I felt a sadness, and wondered why.
I don’t have a desire to homeschool anymore, and I’m looking forward to having time to “catch-up” on some of the things I put on the back burner while I was busy homeschooling. I read a few articles on retiring, and found one about life after homeschooling. And then I wrote in my journal.
Lord, I know this is a process. I’m going to feel all sorts of feelings. Please be with me through it. Guide me. Hold me. Show me the way. A friend of mine said, “Cut yourself some slack.” I am listening, Lord.
I acknowledge that what I did was a big accomplishment. Only those who have done it really know. And you know, Lord. It took Grace, and I thank you for supplying it. You gave me grace to persevere. I may have some regrets. Things I’m not proud of. Impatience, anger, anxiety… But there was good too. Patience, love, compassion, hard work…
It has helped me grow closer to you, which is best of all, I think.I learned so much. Why am I sad? What is the loss? Second chances.
I can’t have a do-over. I can’t get the time back. I can’t relive the good past memories. It’s the end of an era. I can’t get those babies and little kids back. I can’t have younger me back.
I used to love to scrapbook, to host Bible studies in my home, to study nature, to make reading nooks. I was a teacher, a tutor, a coach… I researched educational philosophies, traveled with little ones, participated in co-ops… I was an educator, a planner, an organizer, a writer, a blogger, a catechist… I wanted to do such a good job.
I kept trying. I didn’t give up. I tried to do what was best for each child. I tried to pay attention, to learn more, to do it right, to find the best way, to make a difference. I had so much hope each year, each morning, each day. I loved them SO much. I wanted them to love learning, to love our home, to experience things, to love you, Lord. To know you, to trust you. To have a true education. Sometimes I wonder if I did enough.
Maybe I wasn’t a good model, a good example, and I wasn’t holy. But I did the best I could at the time, and life continues. I am still their mother. We are still here. Only the “school” part is changing. I can continue to educate myself. To grow in faith, hope, love, and other virtues. To grow closer to you and hopefully do your will. To listen to your leading me.
So maybe I was a little melancholy the day I wrote this. I can get that way sometimes. Maybe it’s all part of the process of letting go. Maybe this is why people have retirement parties. To celebrate, and have some kind of closure. And when people graduate from high school or college, we say, “Congratulations! You did it!” Maybe this post is part of my closure. (And so is unloading homeschool curriculum, which I’ve been doing for a month now, and I’m almost finished.) This post is my celebration.
Yay! You did it! Congratulations! Oh, the places you’ll go!
This month I’ll be working on what the FlyLady calls the most important routine of the day: the Before Bedtime Routine. It’s her Habit of the Month for September, which I think is an ideal time to focus on it.
After a summer of late nights and skipping this habit because I’m “too tired”, I’m ready to be more disciplined. I’m ready to add some structure to my evenings to make them a time to prepare for the next day, and to improve the transition into an earlier bedtime.
This is what mine looks like:
Food plan (for the next day, in MyFitnessPal)
Tidy the kitchen (do dishes, load the dishwasher, run the dishwasher, a.k.a. “Shine My Sink”)
Tidy the living room
Check my planner
Look at my index cards
Start my to-do list for the next day
Lay out my clothes for the next day
Get ready for bed (brush teeth, p.j.’s, etc)
Examen, night prayers
Read
Lights out by 10:00 pm
That looks long as a list. It’s only on four index cards. I estimate that it takes about an hour. I need to test it out to see if that’s true. And of course, I would need to get started pretty early if I want to read for a long time. I’ve really gotten away from doing this regularly. My shortcut is run the dishwasher, tidy the living room and hop into bed.
I’ll report back here in October with the results.
I’m home again! Blogging on my hammock in the backyard. I will likely be home until mid-October. New York City with the six teenagers was fun. (I’ll show some pictures without people in them to protect their privacy.)
On Wednesday night we ate at the Carnegie Diner. I think we watched the new episode of The Summer I Turned Pretty when we got back to the apartment.
The next morning, I wrote my previous blog post and we didn’t go out until the afternoon. (They slept-in and takes a while for seven people to get ready with one bathroom.) We went to Brandy Melville and edikted, which were clothing stores I didn’t know existed. Then we went to two thrift shops, one that was crazy expensive and another, called The Reshop, which was decent. I think everyone was tired by that point, so we returned to the apartment and we had takeout for dinner. (V & T’s… our favorite nearby Italian restaurant.) One of Hannah‘s friends wanted to work out, which was cool because it also got me to work out. I hadn’t thought of it and didn’t bring workout clothes. The girls sang some karaoke songs, we went to Times Square, and ate gelato. When we got back to the apartment, I stayed up late in my bedroom while they stayed up late in the living room.
On our final day, Friday, I worked out again with Hannah‘s friend, and nobody was ready to go anywhere until it was time for us to bring two girls to Grand Central Station. On the way back, Hannah and I bought a couple of rolls of toilet paper because we ran out. 🤣 I took a long time eating and packing and cleaning the apartment before we left at 5 o’clock. And it was a long ride home. I’d do it again though. I forgot how fun it was to be a teenager. When I look back, I usually forget about sleepovers and going out with friends, and singing and dancing and giggling. I usually remember the angst, and the mistakes. What’s up with that?
Yesterday, I spent time with my other kids, my mother, and then my father and his partner Cheryl. And now I’m resting. I’m trying to do not much of anything. When I was journaling earlier, I wrote: too busy to pray = TOO BUSY. As you probably know, the reoccurring theme of this blog is “slowing down.” So that’s what I’m doing today. I’m remembering my priorities. I’ll do some weekly planning, making sure to plan to do “first things first.” And if there’s not a lot of white space in my planner around the “first things” and the “have-to’s”, then I’ll lower my expectations about what I can accomplish this week.
Here’s a meditation that I have always liked:
It’s not about getting loads of things done, it’s about doing the things that I believe God wants me to do. And how would I know what those things are, if I’m too busy to listen?
I’m writing from New York City. It’s quiet here this morning, so I thought I would take some time to write. Bobby is at work, and Rachel, Hannah, and four of her friends are in the other room. I am sure that some of them are still sleeping because I don’t hear any talking. We arrived yesterday. Hannah and her friends stayed in the apartment with Bobby, who was working remotely, and I met Rachel and three of her friends and their moms for lunch and a matinee. Mamma Mia!
The show was great! I’m not sure what Hannah and her friends want to do for the next two days. I know there are some stores they want to visit.
Last week was our family vacation. Because our children are teenagers and adults now, and many weren’t sure if they would be able to take a vacation with us this summer; we decided to spend a week in New York City instead of booking somewhere else ahead of time. Bobby and I ended up coming to New York with Sarah, Rachel, and Mary.  Here are some highlights and photos from the trip:
Anne Frank exhibit
Little Island, where Sarah played Billy Joel‘s Vienna on a piano
Walking on the High Line (where I thought I was going to die because it was in the 90s and we didn’t want to spend whatever the exorbitant price was on water… we walked til I nearly dropped)
The Godfather at Bryant Park
Liberty Island
A hardhat tour on Ellis Island
Hamilton (10 year’s old now)
Stranger Things: The First Shadow
We were very tired after the busyness of the first couple of days, so we stayed in the apartment for most of the last half of the trip and watched some movies (Freaky Friday, Minecraft, The Parent Trap, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) and we binge watched Stranger Things.
The girls and I watched The Summer I Turned Pretty episode of the week, and we played Payday and many games of Sorry!
Bobby, Sarah, and I worked out in the gym. Unfortunately, I have not worked out in about a week. In between the two New York trips, I was pretty busy. My father-in-law was in the hospital when we were away. We visited him at his home on Sunday and he is doing OK. I brought my father to an ERCP on Tuesday and that went well. They removed a stent he had put in when he was in the hospital when I was in Vancouver.
So, once again it’s been a busy summer. A mixture of work and fun times. Some worries and stress, and some peace and joy. It went by so fast. School begins next week. I know my calendar is looking pretty full, as it usually is at this time of year.
My perspective on life seems so seasonal. I wonder if this is part of my personality… to reflect on things so chronologically. I am a thinker. Summer used to be my favorite season when I was in my 20’s. I was quite the beach lover. But for many years now, my favorite season has been fall. I’m looking forward to more structure and order, and cool, crisp, blue sky-bright foliage days.
It’s also a tendency of mine to think a little ahead too much. I don’t want to think too far into the future, but I often think about the next few weeks. Sometimes, I overwhelm myself. The best thing for me to do is to stay in the moment. Just for today, I want to listen and be present.
It’s Sunday, a good day to rest. Today I am reflecting on the past week. It started out with my trying to live a more orderly life, and ended in a flurry of activity. I think what got me off track was a project. I have a tendency to lose myself in projects. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. In this case, I was taking advantage of momentum.
Let me explain. I have four projects that I’m working on this month. I post them on the chalkboard in my kitchen to constantly remind me of what projects I consider to be the current priorities.
On Thursday, I decided to work on the preparing for St. Mary’s High School project; specifically, I wanted to find school uniform pants for my daughters. It turned out that we have hand-me-down pants that will fit Mary. Hannah needs new pants. I also thought that I would help Mary to remove some of the stuffed animals from her bed (and declutter or organize all the ones in her room) and get her new bedding, since hers was kind of old and worn. After a trip to the mall, where we didn’t buy any pants or bedding, but bought new pillows and some closet, organizing tools, Mary and I started organizing the dolls. This somehow turned into an all day declutter and organize the whole room project. I felt OK about it because they were motivated, and though I wasn’t planning on doing this anytime soon, it is part of the third project on my list: home assignments. That project involves decluttering and finding homes for all the things we are keeping.
On Friday, I finished decluttering my bathroom and the living room, and then my daughter Rachel, asked if we could declutter the school room. That’s what we call a large room above our garage, where we used to all homeschool, and what is currently Rachel‘s bedroom. You can see it in the room tour, but it didn’t look anything like that on Friday. (Why didn’t I take before and after pictures?) Anyway, just imagine piles of books, clothes, games, DVD’s, nail polishes, and papers.
I couldn’t say no to someone wanting to declutter with me! So we methodically went through the room clockwise, discussing all of the items we picked up, and either keeping them or putting them into one of the boxes: GIVE AWAY ( to donate or sell), PUT AWAY (belongs in another room), KEEP – STORAGE (is going somewhere in the basement), TRASH, and PAPER TRASH. I will go through the books at another time and I have a cabinet of photos, memorabilia and scrapbook supplies that will become another project someday, but we consider the room finished. I think we worked till about 11:30 at night I was all-in.
On Saturday, I had plans in the morning, but in the afternoon I worked on the dining room and my kitchen desk area. Then I was too tired to do anymore.
If you’ve read this blog, or know me in real life, you know that I’ve been trying to “finish” this decluttering and finding a place for everything project for years. My father keeps telling me that I will never catch up on home maintenance. I think he means that there will always be chores to do and something to fix. I agree with him on that. But I envision having a place for everything and everything in its place. I desire to have every room maintained as well as I would if I was going to put the house on the market. I understand that when I get to that point, I will need to continue to fix things when they break and to do chores daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally, and annually to maintain it. But I’m not giving up on my goal of getting to that point.
I think I see this project as similar to my transformation challenges. (In which I followed a strict meal plan and difficult, time-consuming strength training workouts, along with cardio, for eight weeks or more.) Both require a large commitment, and a lot of work. They seem overwhelming if I look from where I am at the beginning, to where I want to be at the end. But if I just take it one day at a time, and do the next task, I make progress. Over a period of time, I can reach my goals. The extreme, tedious actions are only temporary. Then, I can maintain what I have achieved with good habits.
At the beginning of 2024, I wrote three posts on habits, routines, and resolutions. This is my post on projects. I am thinking about how I can work on my projects in a more balanced way, without giving up my habits, routines, and resolutions.  I also see the value in going “all-in” with a project when you’re in the mood and when you have willing helpers.
I think my next post will be about systems. I’ve been tweaking my current system of index cards and a big fat planner. I’d love to write about it soon.
Monday-Saturday was all about getting things done. Check. Check. Check. But it wasn’t the satisfying feeling of calmly, methodically, working through a to do list. It might have looked that way on the outside, but inside it felt more like the “putting out fires” and “running around like a chicken with its head cut off” kind of accomplishing tasks.
And now it’s Sunday, a day of rest. A time to breathe deeply. To inhale and exhale. To journal and to sit still. A time to think: Hey, I want to do this more often.
“There’s one word that identifies people that are living a good life and that is ORDER. An orderly life.”
Fr. John Hardon
Hmm. I think I’ll try some of that.
On Sundays, I do “weekly planning”. This week I’m planning to wake up at 6:00 a.m. each day, and to go to bed at 10:00 p.m. A consistent bedtime and rising time would be orderly. When I get up at 6 o’clock, it gives me time to complete my morning routine, which includes journaling, and sitting still, and breathing, among other useful pursuits.
I’m planning to work on my index card activities before moving onto projects or recreation, because what is written on those cards are my priorities. They are spiritual practices, self-care endeavors, and tasks related to my vocation. I will try to leave some white space on my calendar, or margin, as some people call it; so I don’t feel anxious or rushed.
This morning, I watched a documentary about Saint Ignatius Loyola and I wrote down this quote:
“The well ordered life is centered around the worship of God.”
This is really the way to not feel anxious or rushed. To pray and be led. To be aware of the presence of God and to put all my trust in Him, rather than relying on myself. Pushing myself to get things done drains my energy, whereas resting in Him gives me life and peace.
I’m ready to write, but this isn’t gonna be another catch up post. Or… is it?
Bobby joined me as I completed another eight week body transformation challenge. We followed the meal plans, and did the same workouts, sometimes together and sometimes separately. Joseph was in Guys and Dolls. My father was in the hospital for about a week. He seems to be OK now. Bobby and I spent a week in Vancouver, and a week in Seattle. I’ve been mowing the lawn, bringing my parents and children to doctors’ appointments, driving Hannah back-and-forth to her summer job at Six Flags, and I prepared a lot of Italian food for our triple birthday party. The girls and I have been watching The Summer I Turned Pretty together. This week I am super motivated to declutter, and I’m starting to sell homeschool curricula.
OK, that catches me up. Now I can tell you why I thought I’d be blogging more frequently, although it has not come to pass. This past June, I finished homeschooling. As in… I have finished 20 years of homeschooling my six children! Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like a very big deal. I knew it was coming, and it happened gradually. At one time, I was homeschooling six children, and then it was five, and a couple of years later it was four, and the next year, it was three. Eventually, only Mary was doing school at home. And this September, she will be going to high school.
But on the other hand, this will be a big change for me. It’s the end of something that was a very large part of my life for a very long time. Many days, I have grieved the loss of those little ones, and my younger self, and those simpler (but not easier) days. I do not regret any of it. Well, there are things that I wish I would’ve done better, but I understand that I could only do things to the best of my ability at the time. I’m so grateful for my experiences, and especially, for experiencing this way of life.
I see that school supplies are out in the stores now. I have memories of years of stocking up on dry erase markers, and crayons, and notebooks. I remember the excitement of beginning again in a clean schoolroom with sharpened pencils, new books, and big plans. Pushing my Walmart cart by the end caps, I feel sad for a couple of seconds. I really miss the laughter of those little kids…
But it passes quickly. I prefer to stay in reality. Those days are gone, and I am blessed to live the life I’m living today. And there’s always the excitement of not knowing what the future will bring. I expect it will be good.
I imagined I’d have so much more free time when I came to the end of homeschooling. In June, I thought I might write here a few times a week, but so far it’s like any other summer. Five of my children are still home. Three of them are adults and two of them are teenagers. I’m close with my parents, who are divorced, so I usually see them separately. My days are still filled with meaningful work and building or maintaining relationships.
I’m starting to tackle some projects. One of them is selling homeschool curricula, which is a part of the organizing the basement project. I’m starting another whole house declutter, and finishing up with assigning homes to all of our possessions. And there are lots of tasks that crop up such as covering my blueberry bushes with netting, fixing the tent that was damaged in the thunderstorm, taking Hannah to open a checking account at the bank, and going to the eye doctor. And there are loads of books I want to read…
Maybe it’s time to do a time assessment or a brain dump. I gotta sort out my priorities. And I need to pray. And sleep. And I hope I write about it all really soon.
I know I keep saying I’m gonna blog regularly, and then another whole season goes by in silence here. So, once again, this is my catch-up post. I have a good feeling about posting more often in the future, and I’ll explain why in my next post. Right now I need to write about:
March
Hannah’s high school performed the play, Shrek the Musical. She played one of the three little pigs, and one of the three blind mice. Rachel’s boyfriend was hilarious as Lord Farquaad.
April
Bobby and I spent a weekend in Manchester Village, Vermont, at a beautiful, old hotel called The Equinox.
Sarah performed in various choral concerts
We celebrated the Easter Triduum with Holy Thursday Mass, the outdoor living Stations of the Cross, and the Easter Vigil. We had our traditional breakfast on Easter Sunday morning, and dinner with family at our house.
During April school vacation, Hannah and I traveled to Boston to see a Role Model concert, which was really fun.
Mary and I spent some time in New York City with Bob, who was working in Midtown. We checked out the Macy’s flower show, took a ride on the Staten Island ferry for the first time, and saw two plays. Maybe Happy Ending was amazing. I’d see it again. Redwood was just OK, in my opinion. The main draw was to see Idina Menzel in person. I got a really bad cold and spent a lot of time in the hotel room.
May
I went out to lunch with my father and my aunt to a local restaurant where Sarah was playing the piano for a tea party.
A new pope was elected.
Rachel and Hannah went to the junior/senior prom with their friends. Many parents came to our house to take pictures and we took a lot of of them!
Mother’s Day was super. I visited my mom. (Forgot to take a picture.) Bobby and the girls worked out with me, and then we played tennis, with Joseph too. At night, we ate Chinese food out on the deck. Matthew and Anna, and my father and Cheryl, joined us for dinner. Then we started watching Anne of Green Gables: the Sequel, but we haven’t finished it.
Bobby and I began another transformation challenge. (I’ll write more on this in another post.) I’ve been preparing all the food for our weeks on Mondays. Sometimes we’ve worked out together, and other times he’s working out in New York while I’m working out here. Having him do it with me has helped my motivation.
There was a really busy week that included Hannah‘s art show, my nephew Ed’s spring concert, my nephew Patrick’s senior night baseball game, and Mary’s 14th birthday.
I did another day trip to Boston, this time with Bobby, for our niece Phoebe’s graduation. We left early in the morning. We ate lunch there, walked around Boston, visited the aquarium, and had dinner at an amazing restaurant called “The Table.” We were served a seven course meal. Eight courses, if you count the bread at the beginning! It was nice to spend time with Bob’s family from Washington state, and also the members from our hometown.
My father had his annual Memorial Day picnic. I wore my bathing suit, but did not go in the pool.
I helped my mother with her third wrist surgery. This one was more extensive and also more painful for her. I slept over one night and we had a very nice time talking with each other longer than our usual visits.
June
On June 7th, Bobby and I celebrated 28 years of marriage. He met me at the train station in NYC, we took a subway to the apartment where he had flowers waiting for me. We worked out in the apartment gym, took a long Uber ride to JFK, had a lovely airport dinner, and flew to Vancouver. It was fun spending the day together. After that, he worked, and I enjoyed the perfect weather. I went biking around Stanley Park (the Vancouver one) twice! I saw a bald eagle for the first time (in real life). I took a bus and ferry tour to Butchart Gardens and Victoria (the capital of British Columbia). I walked all over downtown Vancouver including stops at English Bay Beach, Sunset Beach, Gastown, Granville Island, and the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Holy Rosary, twice! Good times.
We celebrated Father’s Day with a cookout, corn hole, and sitting by the fire pit at night. My dad and Cheryl came over, as well as Bob’s dad, Matthew, and Anna.
I own loads of books that I want to read, but have only a little bit of time each day for reading. So isn’t it great that I’m using some of the time I could be reading to write a blog post about it?
Seriously… I know that writing and talking with other people often leads me to clarity of mind. So let’s get started.
First of all, I read for different reasons. One of the reasons is for enjoyment, entertainment, fun, or whatever you would call this. There are authors that make me smile, and worlds that I love to imagine. I also like to read to learn, or to be inspired, or to be more convicted about ideas. I think it’s my reading to gain knowledge that is causing my current trouble. More specifically, I want to study books about my Catholic faith in a methodical, focused way in which I start a book and then finish it before starting another one. Recently, I’ve been picking up a book when I’m in the mood and then not finishing it.
My “Currently Reading” list in the Goodreads app is proof of this. I am currently reading 11 books. One of them is an audiobook that Mary and I are listening to together. Of course, I will finish this and start another one. Another is a devotional book that I will finish. Two of them are fiction (for fun) books that I will gradually finish. The other seven are the “learning” books I picked up and left hanging. It’s interesting to note that three of them are rereads. For some reason, I picked them up again and didn’t finish them.
I know that this indecisiveness is the result of fear of making a wrong decision. I want to use my time wisely, so it’s important that I know which books are the absolute best ones for me to read. I also want to know the exact order in which I should read them. I can’t have any “holes” in my knowledge. This is clearly perfectionism and unrealistic expectations. I’m not using my time wisely when I research the crap out of stuff and avoid making a decision.
One night, I spent some time looking at book lists. And some of the books on them didn’t interest me. So there’s that. There were some nice book lists that had many of the books I owned on them. These were obviously books that I was interested in reading, because I either bought them, or received them as gifts. Somehow, I went from looking at book lists, to purchasing a book called How to Read Your Way to Heaven. (It was one of my snuggling with my phone in bed nights.)
For about two weeks now, this book has solved my “reader’s block” problem. 
I’m following the One-Year Program (Year 5 of the Five-Year Program) that will result in me reading the entire New Testament, Christian Prayer (Part Four) of Catechism of the Catholic Church, and 12 spiritual books that are related to prayer.
This is very doable. I haven’t timed it yet, but it’s supposed to take about 30 minutes a day, five days a week. I feel great that I started, and I have a solid plan for a minimum of weekly reading. I am sure that I can plug away at my Goodreads list on the weekends.
Indecisiveness and perfectionism comes up in other areas of my life, such as: what I will do for exercise, what meals to cook, what clothes to wear, how to decorate my home, how to organize stuff, and so on. Sometimes I think I just need to make a decision and get going on it. Making a decent decision (maybe not the best ever) is better than making no decision at all. I recently heard this advice regarding exercise: Instead of doing “all or nothing,” try doing “all or something.” I like that. 
That’s me on Christmas morning, receiving this book as a gift. I put it on my Christmas list after hearing about it from my friend Manda’s brother. He was talking with Bobby and me at Manda’s daughter’s wedding, and he asked me if I had read it. I told him I had never heard of it. He was in the middle of it and found it interesting, being the oldest of seven. He thought it helped him to understand his mother a little bit better. I finished reading the book last week and wanted to share some thoughts. As I write this, I’m realizing that I always did find Manda’s family interesting.
I met Manda on my first day of high school. I was 13 years old and very quiet. I’ll never forget sitting next to her in French I. She said with a huge smile, “Hi! I’m Manda!” I said, “Hi. I’m Cheryl.” We communicated more at school over the years, but I think it wasn’t until senior year that I went to her house for the first time. I was shocked at how loud her family was and how different her home life was from my own. She shared a tiny bedroom with her two sisters. She had a younger brother who was my brother’s age and three older brothers. They had a large round banquet table in their kitchen, and a big Rottweiler dog wandering around drooling. They had cats and a steer. They had some kind of a beehive up on a counter and an extra large stove. I remember being amazed at the size of the jar of peanut butter in their pantry closet. Her mom was folding laundry with mounds of it piled up in a room. Her dad was working on something outside. They had a chicken coop. Manda actually collected eggs. There were siblings coming in and out of the kitchen talking loudly.
I was the oldest of three. My parents divorced when I was around nine years old. We lived a few streets away from my grandparents and spent a lot of time with them. I slept over my father’s house on Friday nights and sometimes on Wednesday nights. We watched a lot of TV and movies. My mother often had migraines and my brother and sister and I had to be very quiet so as not to disturb her.
While I was reading Hannah’s Children, I thought I would like to write about my own story. First, I’ll write a little bit about the book. The author, along with her colleague, interviewed 55 American women, with five or more children, to find out why they do what they do, and what they think it means for themselves, for their families, and for the nation. I enjoyed reading the stories of the women who were interviewed in the study, but I didn’t love the book because of the many discussions about economics. A large part of the book focuses on reasons for the declining population and whether or not government incentives work… blah blah blah
This is my own issue. I don’t enjoy economics discussions. I took many business classes because my work paid for them and I got an MBA degree. I prefer the exactness of math and accounting. I’ve never really liked (what I see as) the “guessing” in economics and statistics and sometimes science. Much of this book is concerned with why the population is declining and what can we do about it. The answers are unclear. And some of the proposed solutions are not likely to happen.
Still, I think this book is worth reading, especially for the focus on the benefits of large families and the value of children. These are things you don’t often hear about in the current culture. What this book has done for me, is it’s stirred up questions as to how and why I came to have a large family (by today’s standards.) It feels like I never thought about it before. I fit right into the parameters the author has set for her research subjects. I’m an American woman, college educated, with five or more children. I don’t exactly know what questions she asked her subjects, so I’ll just tell my story.
I didn’t always want to have a large family. In fact, on one of the early dates with my husband, I said, “I’m never getting married and I’m never having children.” This bothered him. He brought it up the next time I saw him. He wondered what we were doing. Why were we were bothering to go out? I realized that this was something I always told myself, but I didn’t really mean it. I was just scared. I was afraid to be a single mother like my mom. I grew up hearing that it was not good to be financially dependent upon someone else. I grew up hearing that marriage was a piece of paper. That if you’re gonna have sex, you need to use birth control. You don’t want to be trapped.
When I met Bobby, I was a non-practicing cradle Catholic, who was beginning to pray again and was willing to trust God, though I needed a lot more practice with that. I believed that God would take care of me no matter what, and I told Bobby that I would be open to marriage and children someday if it was God’s will.
I’ll save the story of how we came back to the Catholic Church for another day. I’ll skip to the Pre Cana (marriage preparation) Day we attended as an engaged couple. We heard many speakers, including one couple who talked about their experience with natural family planning. They said that the divorce rate for couples that practiced NFP was around 2%, way lower than the overall rate of 50% back then. (Ok, so I find some statistics interesting.) This stuck with me. I appreciated the communication involved in the practice and the respecting of a woman’s body. Why had I never heard of this before? I knew I had to find out more.
Bobby agreed to attend classes at that married couple’s house. We learned about methods, and that it was up to us to decide, using our consciences, whether or not to practice abstinence during the fertile time. My understanding was that we were to be generous, and I think they said not to avoid pregnancy unless you had a grave reason. I remember them saying that they had six children and wished that they had had more.
We had discussions before we were married and I recall wanting to stay home with them if we had children. I didn’t like the idea of being split between work and children. It seemed like a conflict of interest to me. I wouldn’t be able to give my whole self to either. Bobby agreed with it. We never said we’d have a big family. And I never thought it. Maybe we’d have two or three. We had both come from households with three children. I don’t think we wanted to have an only child.
We got married at 27 years old. We started tracking my cycles and after three months we began trying to achieve pregnancy. We based our budget on Bobby’s income and put all of my income into savings. We weren’t making that much money, but we also didn’t have many expenses. When I didn’t immediately get pregnant, I think I started to get worried. After five months I said, “We can travel and golf and do lots of service work.” I guess it was my way of saying that I’d be OK if we couldn’t have children. I was pregnant the next month.
Though it wasn’t easy, I loved being a stay-at-home mom. When Matthew was a year old, I started having a desire to have another baby. If Matthew was going to have a sibling, I wanted him or her to be close to his age. I was one year older than my brother and we were very close growing up. I conceived in March once again. Joseph was born almost exactly 2 years after Matthew. Matthew was born at 11:59 p.m. on December 11, 1998, and Joseph was born on December 12, 2000. It felt like déjà vu being pregnant during the advent season. I felt a little bit sad for Matthew, who received so much attention from us, to suddenly be without us and to see a new baby taking our attention from him. It helped me to hope in something that Saint John Paul II said about siblings being the best gift you could ever give a child. Now I know, from experience, that it’s true.
I took that message that I received about not preventing pregnancy unless you had a grave reason seriously. When I looked at myself and my motives for not wanting another child, I could see it was all fear. What if… what if… what if… I didn’t consider fear to be a good reason for not having another child. I knew I needed to develop a greater trust in God.
Baby Sarah was born 19 months after Joseph. Having three kids under four years old was tough sometimes. Bobby traveled a lot. I remember one weekend being alone with them and they were all sick and crying at the same time. I felt so helpless. I was probably crying with them. I often went on Bobby’s trips. Once, I carried Sarah in the baby carrier on my chest, while pushing the boys in the double umbrella stroller down bumpy Bourbon Street. It was not how I imagined it would be when I dreamed of going to New Orleans as a young adult.
Reality is often harder than I imagine, but it’s also better. If I was in charge of my life, I would’ve sold myself short. I have been blessed because I was open to not always getting my way.
With Sarah, and only Sarah, I practiced something I learned called ecological breast-feeding. I was told it would help to naturally space babies and it did work for me. My fertility didn’t return for 22 months. When I realized it was possible for me to take care of three kids, I began to trust that God would give me strength to take care of another. After Sarah, I had my first miscarriage. It was heartbreaking.
Rachel was born almost 4 years after Sarah. I had complications during labor which led to a blood transfusion, and my being extremely weak for the first month after she was born. I was advised by the midwives to see a doctor they recommended. He advised me to try not to have any more children.
Throughout my pregnancy, we had been building a custom house. It was stressful and time consuming. When Rachel was three months old, we moved from the small raised ranch we felt like we were outgrowing, to our giant dream home that was big enough for as many kids as we could have. Because we started having children when I was 29 years old, I didn’t expect we could have more than 10, nor did I know if we would want that many. We kind of took them one at a time. But you can see how my attitude had changed.
I got a second opinion from a new doctor. He did not see a reason why I couldn’t have more children. We decided to trust God and try again. I had another miscarriage. This one was more difficult than the first one because I found out that the baby had died, but waited months for my body to realize it, and have a natural miscarriage. In the book, there was a correlation made between the loss of a child and the value placed on human life. I had never thought of this before. Given my experience, these losses very well may have been the cause of my attitude change over the years.
I remember having a thought after 911 happened, that if Bobby had died in those towers, I would have wished we had had more children. So if imagining death can change your heart, I am sure that experiencing it would even more so.
We were blessed with healthy baby number five, Hannah. After she was born, I became very focused on decluttering and simplifying my life. Not just our possessions, but also my time. I cut back on some volunteer activities and dropped blogging, which I had done for five years. This was a busy time for me. Did I mention that I homeschooled? I guess I forgot about that. That’s a whole other story.
After Hannah, there was another miscarriage, similar to the second one. And then Mary was born. Fortunately, for me, I arrived at the hospital in labor and delivered her in less than one hour in the WETU room. It was an unexpected blessing, and she was a wonderful baby, and her siblings all love her. She’s our last living child and she will be turning 14 years old in May.
After Mary, there was another miscarriage. And then another, which was also a molar pregnancy. I was told to avoid pregnancy for a year in order to determine, through blood testing, that no cancer cells were forming. I did that, and I never became pregnant again.
My “children” are now 26, 24, 22, 18, 16, and 13. And there are five more souls that I believe were meant to be. I never considered helping the population rate. I never planned all of this. I think I was just led one day at a time. I think as some of the moms in the book may have expressed…that I have received more than I have given. I’m too lazy to search through the book for quotes. I’m just going by memory here. I am convinced that children are gifts. There is a lot of emotional pain that goes along with parenting. Hopefully, that pain has led me to spiritual progress. There is also so much joy.
In the book, there was mention of things people say to parents of many children. One that Bobby heard a lot when he told somebody that I was pregnant again was, “What, are you crazy?” Bobby’s response was always, “Not the last time I checked.”
The one I think I got the most was, “Wow. You must be busy!” I think my favorite comment that people have said is, “Enjoy them! It goes by fast!” That’s good advice because it’s true, our time here on earth is short. I’m grateful that I was led to do something I now believe I was made for, that I didn’t let fear get in the way of it, and that I am receiving grace every day to continue on my spiritual journey.
Unruffled Peace 