Action Faking

/ Cheryl Wilcox / 1 Comment
SUMMIT One Vanderbilt, NYC

This will be a post about procrastination.

A woman came running over to tell me that she was decluttering all the extra chairs that she took from her mom‘s house when her mom passed away a few months ago. She really didn’t need them. She had heard from my mother, about how I helped my mother get rid of the clutter in her home when she downsized. I told her honestly about how I keep decluttering the “downstairs”, which is what we call the first floor of our home. And how I never quite get around to the basement, which has piles of crap in it. The “upstairs”, or second floor, is mostly filled with stuff belonging to my children/young adults. Although, the school room contains a lot of my stuff too.

Today I was sorting through papers. I have these manila folders full of notes and PDF’s. I have a decluttering folder, an organizing time folder, an education folder… you get the idea. I’ve decided that I no longer need all of these notes. There was one paper that got me thinking while I was in the shower, which is one of the best places to think. It had notes about action faking, that were most likely from a YouTube video.

Action faking is procrastinating. It’s doing what we’re comfortable with and taking only the uncommitted actions. It does little to lead to actual progress.

Why are we action faking?

What are we trying to avoid?

Maybe there’s some kind of suffering attached?

Or not believing we’re capable?

This reminded me of the body transformation challenge that I am currently doing. Before I started, I was afraid. I wasn’t sure if I was capable of doing it. I talked about it with my father, who wondered if I would be able to finish it, and my mother, who was worried I’d lose too much weight, and my kids, who probably didn’t say much about it. When I told Bobby about the eight week challenge, he said, “Of course you could do that for seven weeks.” I corrected him by again telling him it was eight weeks, and he repeated, “Seven weeks is no problem.” (He’s my cheerleader.)

Well, it turned out, I started it two weeks early so now it’s a 10 week challenge and I’ve already finished seven weeks of it. It isn’t easy, but I’m not doing it alone. I know that God is helping me, because I keep asking him. I say things like, “Please help me to get through this next set.”

From my notes:

We may never feel completely ready.

Just take a step forward.

We can’t endlessly prepare if we want real results.

Decide what your first real action is, schedule it, and do it.

Avoidance creates the anxiety.

I’m not sure if all of that is true, but I know one thing, I am getting results in the challenge because I have been taking action.

I suspect this is why I haven’t been getting the results I want from my decluttering for the past 25 years. I’ve been just doing what I’m comfortable with, which is the downstairs. I’ve also been action faking/procrastinating by reading, watching YouTube videos, collecting notes on the subject… getting ready.

I had a college professor, who would say that if you read five books on a subject, you’re an expert. Well, I am an expert on simplifying, decluttering, minimalism, or whatever you would call it. I’ve probably read more than 40 books on the subject. I don’t believe that knowledge is power. It may give me some advantage, but without action directed toward my goal, I’m not gonna get there.

I believe prayer is powerful. God supplies the power. I’m going to pray that I will stop getting ready and start taking action. My first step is going to be getting rid of some of these action faking papers. I know what to do.

Retreat Resolutions

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment
Mt. Alvernia Retreat Center, Wappinger’s Falls, NY

In November 2023, I attended a Spiritual Exercises weekend silent retreat for women at the location shown above. Over the past 14 years, I’ve attended many of these retreats preached by the priests of Miles Christi, according to the methods and principles of Saint Ignatius of Loyola.

During the retreats, I make resolutions. In past years, I’ve thought of these as things I would like to do that I think will improve my spiritual life. I would do some of them, but would often forget about them as time passed. I would review them monthly as recommended for the first few months, and then stop as I got busy with life.

Lately, I’ve been thinking I should be taking these resolutions much more seriously. These are not just goals I thought might be nice to achieve. This is guidance I have received as the result of prayer. This is for my own benefit. This is a gift from the God who loves me.

This year I’m trying something new. In January, I reread my retreat notes. I always take a ton of notes. I love taking notes. I write down what the priest says. I write what I think, what I pray, what I “hear.” The conversations in my head are there in black Pilot G-2 05 ink. While I reread my notes, I took notes of the things that I thought were most important and that I could do. (Only with God’s grace.) Then I organized my notes onto index cards. I read these cards every morning. I have to say this is really helping me to keep focused. When I look at the card I ask myself, “Is this something that I will do today?” Most of the time I say yes, because many of the resolutions I want to do daily. Others, like Adoration for example, I might say, “I’ll do that Wednesday.”

On the back of each index card, I’ve written some retreat notes that went along with the resolution. For example, on the back of my Be grateful – don’t complain card is written:

Of course, I’m not doing all of my resolutions perfectly, and all the time. But these cards have certainly helped me maintain my focus, and to notice which ones I am doing regularly, and which ones I’m not doing, which leads me to ask, “Why? What is getting in the way?”

Recently, I’ve been listening to some of Fr. John Hardon’s talks on the Spiritual Exercises. He says that decisions are made with the mind and resolutions are made with the will. I think that this is an interesting distinction. How often do I know with my mind what I think is the right thing to do, yet I do nothing about it? I take no action. The steps of the discernment of spirits are becoming aware, understanding, and taking action. If I discern something to be an inspiration received during meditation, should I be ignoring it or putting it off until some later time? I think of what Mary said at the Wedding at Cana. “Do whatever he tells you.”

In An Introduction to the Devout Life, Saint Francis de Sales says, “… you must not rest, satisfied with general desires and aspirations, but rather turn them into special resolutions for your individual correction and amendment.” And he says later, “Above all, Philothea, you must be careful to retain the resolutions to which you have come through meditation, on your return to active duties. Without this chief fruit of meditation, it becomes not only useless, but positively hurtful, for our mind is to rest, satisfied with the consideration instead of the practice of virtues…”

I don’t know how long this will last. Will I stop reading my cards in the morning? Will I get distracted by a crisis or some trivial pleasure? I don’t know, but just for today, I am putting first things first and I’m feeling very happy.

Establishing Routines

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

What is the difference between a habit and a routine? Instead of looking up definitions, I’m going to define them in my own words. A habit is something that you do regularly, automatically, without thinking about it. There can be good ones, or bad ones. For example, brushing my teeth is a good habit. Scrolling on YouTube in bed, late at night, is a bad habit. In my last post, I shared that I was working on creating new habits such as shining my sink, which is going well; and decluttering for 15 minutes a day, which is not going well. My success comes when I practice the new habit daily, one day at a time.

I think that routines are different than habits. I’ve read that they’re more intentional. They are a series of activities done regularly, together. I’ve been trying to establish a before-bedtime routine and a morning routine. I went old-school here. I wrote lists of things that I wanted to do before bed and in the morning; then I made copies of these lists and used a paper cutter. No high-tech methods for me. I am a box checker, so it’s quite fun. So far, I have been more successful with the morning routine. Many times I don’t start the bedtime routine early enough, and I skip parts of it. I will continue to practice. I believe in progress not perfection.

I guess you could say I’ve also started a new workout routine. I’ve worked out six days a week for four weeks now. The time I do it varies depending on the day. I’ve also started to meal prep my lunches and dinners on Mondays after I food shop. I plan to continue these new routines until Easter. I don’t know what I will do after that, but I’ve made a commitment to myself to complete an online challenge that I’ve joined. The challenge ends on March 28, which is Holy Thursday. I love that I will be eating in a disciplined way throughout Lent. I also plan to fast from YouTube during Lent. It will be interesting to see how that goes.

If I continue practicing these routines throughout the next six weeks, I think I will be living a more ordered life. In addition to more order, the elimination of YouTube may give me some much needed silence, provided that I don’t substitute it with another type of noise or distraction. Putting first things first is always a goal of mine, though losing focus seems to happen frequently. In my next post, I will talk about resolutions.

Habit of the Month

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

I want to talk about habits, routines, and resolutions. I’ll do this in a series of posts.

Let’s start with habits.

In my last post, I said that I was revisiting the Flylady website, and that I started implementing some of her ideas. In January, I successfully “shined my sink” almost every night. I didn’t literally shine my sink; but that’s what I call it when I either load the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, or wash them by hand. And then I rinse out the sink and wipe down the counters. Since the Flylady’s habit of the month worked out so well in January, I am going to continue to do it; and add in the February habit of the month, which is decluttering for 15 minutes a day. I know I said I was doing this last fall, but of course I got sidetracked by the holidays as I usually do. And even though I only started today (February 7th), I think February is a fine time to implement this habit. I’ll let you know how it goes.

The Return of the Blogger

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

Today I’m in the mood to write. Unfortunately, it’s been three months, so I need to catch up once again. How about monthly highlights with pictures?

November

I’ll also include one Halloween photo with the November pictures since it happened after my last blog post. My daughters, Hannah and Mary were dressed as Daddy and Peppa Pig. My son, Joe, was “Ken” and my daughter Rachel was a modern Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

In November, Hannah introduced me to the Ambience videos on YouTube. I really liked the hobbit houses. The jazz coffee shops, and the Christmas scenes were also helpful in my efforts to slow down, especially on Sundays. The hammock I received the previous Christmas was not used as much as I would’ve liked to have used it. I wasn’t home a lot in the summertime and many times I like to be inside with Twinkie now.

I attended a Miles Christi retreat one weekend in November. It’s a blessing to be able to take part in a silent retreat. I think the benefits are immeasurable. I will hopefully write more on it in another post.

Rachel and Hannah were in their high school’s play called Peter and the Star Catcher. And Joe was the stage manager for A Bright New! Boise at his community college. Bobby and I saw Moulin Rouge at the Bushnell in Hartford, CT, for my birthday. And then there was Thanksgiving, and our annual tree trimming party.

December

On the first weekend in December, I took a trip with my father, sister, nephew, Rachel, and Hannah. We met Bobby in New York City. We saw the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. We tried to see some more of the Christmas decorations, but got stuck in a people jam. It’s busy there on the weekends in December!!! We also enjoyed going out to eat and we put up the skinny Christmas tree in the apartment.

We saw Nuncrackers performed by a local theater group. I also attended 3 concerts at my daughter, Sarah’s, college; one in which she played piano pieces and one in which she sang with a chorale group.

My mom had surgery on her wrist. So she needed help, and I slept over her house for the first night after the surgery. She’s still recovering, and needs help once in a while. It was nice to spend extra time with her and her dog Rosie. Joe has been busy creating two Lego stop motion movies.

The Christmas season came and went. I did some holiday baking and celebrated Christmas with my mom at my sister‘s house. Then we hosted Christmas Eve with my dad and other extended family. We also attended midnight Mass. On Christmas Day, Matthew and his girlfriend came over for opening presents and our traditional Santa pancakes and bacon. And then on the 26th of December we hosted a dinner with the members of Bobby’s family that could make it. Some of them were sick this year. We had a quiet New Year’s Eve game night.

January

2024 started with a Lord of the Rings movie marathon. Our local theater had the three movies showing in an XD theater, and I indulged myself. I’ve also been reading, listening to audiobooks and doing many jigsaw puzzles with Mary.

We’ve had two snowstorms so far this year. Bobby was away for both of them so I was in charge of snowblowing and shoveling, and I took care of my mom’s car during the first larger storm.

January has also sparked a return to routines. I spent a day revisiting the Flylady’s website. I started practicing a before-bedtime routine and a morning routine that have been so helpful. I think the thing that’s made the most difference is making sure I run the dishwasher and tidy up the kitchen and living room before bed. It feels good to make breakfast in a clean kitchen.

This past week I started to follow a meal plan and a workout plan that is part of an online challenge I joined. It’s an eight week challenge that starts on February 1st, but I started it early. I’m doing very well with the food prep and eating. The workouts are difficult for me because I am not used to pushing myself with exercise. I usually stop when it gets hard. I worry that I’m going to injure myself and I just don’t enjoy exercising. I don’t mind playing a game, like tennis, or taking a leisurely walk or bike ride. I like hiking and snowshoeing and being outside, but not for very long. So this will be a challenge for me.

There.

I’m all caught up now and ready to blog again.

Soon, I hope.

Decluttering Streak

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

It’s Day 9. I’m trying a new method of decluttering. Each day, I set the timer on my phone for 20 minutes and work until the timer goes off. So far, I’ve gone through my bathroom, my nightstand, my dresser and bedroom closet, the living room, the dining room, the pantry, two kitchen closets, the kitchen cabinets and drawers, and part of the mudroom. I also cleared out stuff my daughters decluttered from their rooms and left in the upstairs hallway. This method seems to be going well so far, but I haven’t gotten to any of the difficult areas yet. If I feel like it, I may do more than 20 minutes. That doesn’t usually happen on the weekdays.

The end of October and early November is usually when I feel really in the mood to get my house in order. I always get hopeful that I will get through the entire house, including the basement, but it has never happened. At some point, I become a couch potato, watching Christmas movies surrounded by Christmas lights, blankets and family members.

But this year it might really happen. I mean, 20 minutes a day is doable, right? I wonder how long it will take to get through my whole house…

This weekend is supposed to be sunny and 76°. I plan to work on what I call “winterizing.“ It’s bringing in the outdoor furniture, cleaning out the garage, moving items to the basement and shed so that we can park vehicles in there, etc. Hopefully, some young people will be around to help me.

Home maintenance is a big part of my life. Mowing the lawn (lately), repairing and replacing items, cleaning, shopping, cooking, storing, organizing, tidying…. Maybe the decluttering is giving me hope that I can lighten the load a little.

It has long been a desire of mine to simplify my life. I have tried so many times and then I lose focus. I don’t believe I can do this on my own. What am I thinking? I can’t do anything on my own. I will ask God to help me to stay focused and not get distracted. I trust that with His strength I will be able to do it, if it is His will.

Book Notes: Leisure- The Basis of Culture, III

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

There is one word that has led me to procrastinate writing on the third section of this book study.

Acedia.

I’m fascinated by this word. I was shocked when I first came to it in this section. I wrote in the margin: This is a word of interest to me. And it is. I even received the book, The Noonday Devil: Acedia, The Unnamed Evil of Our Times, one Christmas because of my interest in this word.

I first heard of it when I was nursing a baby many years ago, and reading John Cassian’s Institutes on my phone. I also heard about it when watching a secular DVD about the seven deadly sins. There was a blurb about it being considered a deadly sin in the past. I think the intriguing thing is: how does a word, which so perfectly describes how I’ve often felt during my life, disappear from our language? Why did I never learn about it in school? And why, even though I’ve read books about it, do I lack the ability to talk about it?

It’s taken me almost 9 months to write this post, because I don’t feel I know enough about acedia to do it justice. But since I’m on an anti-procrastination kick, I’m gonna do it anyway. I’ll start with some quotes.

In a word, he does not want to be, as God wants him to be, and that ultimately means that he does not wish to be what he really, fundamentally, is.…

…acedia means that a man does not, in the last resort, give the consent of his will to his own being…

… sadness overwhelms him when he is confronted with the divine goodness eminent in himself…

Josef Pieper (44)

I have wondered if acedia could be the source of my “running away”. (I’m talking about when I go it alone, you know, being “too busy” to pray, when nothing is more important than being silent in the Presence of God.) As Timothy Gallagher explains in The Discernment of Spirits: …when we are least inclined to be “within”… it will appear easier and seem more welcome to find escape in diversion. (90) Is this acedia the cause?

Notice I chose the words “source” and “cause.” As I continue through this section, Pieper states that acedia was reckoned among one of the seven capital or cardinal sins. He says that capital certainly means “head,” but it also means “source” or “spring.“ He says, in this case, they are the sins from which other faults follow “naturally,” as from a source. Examples given are idleness, (a lack of calm, which makes leisure impossible) and despair, it’s twin fault. They both flow naturally from acedia.

This is so different from the language and meanings of today. I think now we use leisure and idleness interchangeably, when, in the past, they were more like opposites.

Leisure is only possible, when a man is at one with himself, when he acquiesces in his own being, whereas the essence of acedia is the refusal to acquiesce to one’s own being. Idleness and the incapacity for leisure correspond with one another. Leisure is the contrary of both.

Josef Pieper (46)

Here are some more descriptions of leisure:

  • A mental and spiritual attitude
  • An attitude of non-activity
  • Inward calm
  • That silence which is the prerequisite of the apprehension of reality
  • Not being “busy”
  • Letting things happen
  • A receptive attitude of mind
  • A contemplative attitude

Leisure is not the attitude of mind of those who actively intervene, but of those who are open to everything; not of those who grab and grab hold, but of those who leave the reins loose and who are free and easy themselves -– almost like a man falling asleep, for one can only fall asleep by “letting oneself go.“

Josef Pieper (47)

There is much more about leisure in this section. I think the main idea is it’s way more important than a break from work. It’s what makes us human.

A break in one’s work, whether of an hour, a day or a week, is still part of the world of work. It is a link in the chain of utilitarian functions. The pause is made for the sake of work, and in order to work, and the man is not only refreshed from work, but for work.

Josef Pieper (49)

This is very different from the concept of leisure, which does not exist for the sake of work. Here is what Aristotle says, about leisure:

A man will live thus, not to the extent that he is a man, to the extent that a divine principal dwells within him.

Aristotle (51)

And that is the end of my notes on section III. I can finally move onto section IV. I don’t think that this will be the end of my writing about acedia. There may be more to be said.

October Breakdown

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

This month began with me getting sick. I literally spent the first day of October sick in bed. When I started to feel better, I moved into the living room, where I finished The Big Bang Theory. Bobby was away in New York City and then in Colombia, South America. The first thing to break down, if you don’t include me, was the clothes dryer. It was a case of: you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I have taken for granted the value of this appliance. It works hard in our household. It was 17 years old and expected. I immediately ordered a new one. It was up and running in less than a week.

The next thing to go was the washer. I totally didn’t see that coming. And what are the chances of it breaking down at the same time as the dryer? It was our second washer in the 17 years living in this house, so not as old. I unsuccessfully tried a $2 fix I found on YouTube. Then I bought a $34 part, and I installed it after watching about two dozen YouTube videos. Success!

It was when our three week old lawnmower stopped self-propelling that I felt really frustrated. You don’t need to hear that story. It was a mixture of sickness, wet clothing, a minor injury and getting take-out. It’s behind me now. And the mower is in a shop in Holyoke.

Last weekend, I enjoyed a trip to Wadkins Glen with Bobby’s family. We stayed in a house on Seneca Lake. We went hiking and did a 2000 piece puzzle. It was beautiful there and lots of fun. When we returned home on Sunday, there was a little puddle on the floor in the kitchen. And the next day there was an error code on the dishwasher. After taking it apart and scoping out the situation, we decided to replace it. I bought a new one last night and hopefully that is the last thing that will break down for awhile.

My Stress Response

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

You’ve probably heard of the stress response known as fight-or-flight. It can be a good thing, like when you are in a really dangerous situation and your body responds physiologically, helping you to survive. Well, today I thought of it in a different way. (If I was on a singing competition show, you could say, I made it my own.)

When I am afraid, of something real or imagined, and I think that I must handle it alone, it triggers my fight-or-flight response. The way I fight is by obsessively thinking, or maybe planning, figuring it out, researching, worrying, attempting to control, or forcing solutions. My flight behaviors change often, but they are usually a way of mentally escaping, and are often crazy. Past examples: a weekend spent watching a variety of Jane Eyre movie versions, a Harry Potter movie marathon, overworking, focusing on other people, overeating… Current examples: reading news articles, watching YouTube videos, watching The Summer I Turned Pretty… It’s something that may give temporary pleasure or temporarily numb pain. It can dull feelings by diverting attention, distracting the mind, metaphorically running away… The strange thing is that I often don’t realize that I am stressed, until I catch myself doing some of these behaviors.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. The key thing is for me to remember that I am not alone. Being aware of God’s Presence and trusting in Him keeps those fears and my responses at bay. And there are good habits that I can practice, to increase my awareness of His Presence. Examples: Adoration, daily prayer and meditation, Mass, spiritual reading, talking with spiritual friends, retreats, recollections, reading Scriptures, Confession, examination, journaling… you know, the usual suggestions.

Thoughts on Learning

/ Cheryl Wilcox / Leave a comment

I recently felt like I was “playing school” and my “student” was bored out of her mind. This is strange because this is my 19th year of homeschooling, and though I’ve had many bad days; overall, I’ve considered the experience a good one.

So far this year, my excitement for the subject matter is not cutting it. It’s like I’m watching my dream of instilling a love of learning – die – in real time. I’m thinking thoughts like… maybe I’m trying to fill a bucket, instead of lighting a fire. And I’m trying to remember what it was like to be twelve.

I don’t know what the solution is yet, but I’m ok with that. I trust that God will lead us to the next right thing. My daughter and I have been openly discussing ideas. Tonight, I got on my laptop to write a blog post. The word “deschool” popped into my mind. I think I must have heard about it when I was researching home education twenty years ago. A quick search found this:

  • Deschooling
    • frees time restrictions.
    • shows that learning happens outside the classroom.
    • allows for students and parents to shift from the classroom mindset and discover the untapped potential in homeschool learning.

I also found this likeable quote that seems to fit my situation:

“Stop thinking schoolishly. Stop acting teacherishly. Stop talking about learning as though it’s separate from life.”

Sandra Dodd, Unschooling Advocate

I tend to think that I’m a lover of learning. But if I’m honest, I really only love learning the things that I am interested in. Maybe I’ll have more to say about this in the future. For now, I will get on my knees and ask for help, and then climb into my cozy little bed for the night.